I know the feeling Church.... at the moment, my son is having problems with another lad in school. The teachers are saying the other boy acts like Daniel in the fact he doesn't know what he is doing, he lacks the understanding as such. When I found out though on monday, this child had pushed my son over, hit him by his eye and kicked him, and then yesterday, h had scratched him and tripped him up, I was fuming..... I just don't know if the school are covering for this child as he's one of the teachers boys....
Plus I also have the problems with mine due to the ASD so that doesn't help when it comes to talking.....
Your eldest could be that she's trying to put a stamp on her identity, and push you to see how far you'll actually go. The more tightly you hold on to her, the more she is likely to do things and push you even more.